Friday, August 21, 2009

Choosing the Right

For those unfamiliar with my story, Screwed Up: My Life, please start at the beginning here. The purpose of me writing this intimate account of surviving a difficult childhood is explained here. This story in its entirety can be found at and is available for purchase for $12.95 plus shipping and handling.

My Young Womens leader didn’t know where else to take me, so she took me to her home just outside of town. She tried to take my mind off of what was going on and I tried not to think about it. She showed me a couple crafts and helped me put one together. One was a framed craft with the words embroidered onto cloth with Jesus Christ’s words, “I will, send me” a reference to the battle in Heaven before we came to Earth.

All I could think, however, was where is God? Why isn’t He helping me? Why has He forsaken me? But I couldn’t think about that. God had to be there somewhere, I just did not know where. What I needed to dwell on was where I was going to live as I had no where to go.

I lay on the floor in her living room and watched television with her daughters who were my age. I wasn’t really paying attention to the television though; I was trying to listen to my Young Womens leader talk with my friend’s grandmother. She made us grilled cheese sandwiches and I slowly ate my sandwich.

I was on the verge of crying many times and had to leave the living room on more than one occassion to wipe my eyes and face in private. A million thoughts crowded my mind and confused me even more. I felt like shriveling into a tiny ball and disappearing.

Why was this all happening? Why was I even in Oklahoma? Why wasn’t I living with my family in Indiana? I loved them and I still didn’t understand why they didn’t love me. After moving out of their home I made a concerted effort to only speak good about them as I thought somehow they would ask for me to come back. Instead, here I was at someone else’s home whom I barely knew not knowing quite how I got there in the first place. Or even why I was here. I picked up a book in the study about the Mormon Pioneers hoping that their struggles would make my trials fade in comparison. There was no comparison and reading the book didn’t ease my tension.

It was dinnertime and I found myself sitting at the table in front of a plate of spaghetti. My leader’s husband had come home from work and was now sitting next to me asking me what happened. I didn’t really have words for an explanation as I really didn’t fully comprehend everything that had just happened in the last three weeks. I looked at my CTR ring on my left hand. CTR stands for Choose the Right and I asked if we should say a prayer before we ate. He noticed the ring and agreed that we should bless the meal first. I think it was in that moment that he saw that I was not trying to fool anyone, that indeed I was a lost and confused and heartbroken seventeen-year-old that had just lost everything she cared about.

He told me that I could not live with them and he wanted to know where I wanted to live. I only had two choices: I could live with my mother or I could live with my stepdad and his wife. Either way to me it was going to be crappy. I did not want to live with my mother, so my choice was my stepfather. He left to make a few phone calls and I left to get some sleep.

I hardly slept that night.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Aughhh . . . I can just feel the tension you must have felt!